I have an answering machine in my car. It says,

      "I'm home now.  But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."      - Steven Wright

    Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just

    eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls.  Say,

    if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just

    hold it up to the phone.

    (Use MacIntalk or similar voice program to speak your message.) 

    Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine.  I am

    equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing

    can go wrong.  Gowrong.  Grong.  Grong gronggronggrong<BEEP!>

    Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his

    refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your

    message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Voice 1:  Answer the phone, please, Hal.

    Voice 2:  I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. (2001 sound clip)

    (Rod Serling imitation:)  You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a

    world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows

    explode.  You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary

    telephone answering device...  You have reached, "The Twilight

    Phone".

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.  After the tone, leave

    your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's

    vocabulary word.  Today's word is "supercilious".

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.

    We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the

    tone, please hang up.

    Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

    Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

    (To the tune: "If I Only Had A Brain" from The Wizard of Oz)

    I might be in the shower,

    I might be gone for hours,

    I can't come to the phone.

    So, please leave your name and number,

    If I miss you it'd be a bummer,

    Leave your message at the tone...

    Hello.  If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now.

    If it's good news, wait for the tone.

    If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to

    answer it, was there really a phone call?  You decide! 

    Alpha Centauri Space Station.  Commander Marlin can't come to

    the phone right now.  He's either saving the universe from some

    dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie.  Leave your

    name and number after the beep and he will return your call.